Thursday, May 10, 2012

First Taste of Magic

I liked this week's Write On Edge prompt.  It took me back to Emma's story that started back with the Dusseldorf prompt.  I'm not sure if the way I wrote this scene works or not.  I tried to keep in mind the idea behind this prompt was to make sure everything that happened moved things along and that conflicts need to continue to happen in order to tell the story.  Let me know what you think of how this one worked out.

Either way, I hope you enjoy my take on this one.  If you missed the rest of Emma's story, the link below will catch you up.

Here's the prompt and my take on it:
For this week, I’m offering you this opening line:
“Two men appeared out of nowhere, a few yards apart in the narrow, moonlit lane.”
You have 500 words.

Two men appeared out of nowhere, a few yards apart in the narrow, moonlit lane.  Each eyed the other, tension thicker than the fog that eddied around them.  The blond man looked away first; and missed the small smile from the black haired man.

“Where’s my information, Brayden?” the black haired man growled.

Brayden hesitated, his body hunched.  He refused to meet the other man’s dagger gaze.

“Well?  Either answer me or challenge me, boy.  I’m not going to wait all night.”

Brayden sighed, his body crumpling like a tin can, “Please, Stephan, don’t do this.  She’s no threat to you or your pack.”

“That’s not for you to decide,” venom and disdain dripped from every word of Stephan’s answer.

Brayden inched back from Stephan.  Quicker than a lightning flash, he turned to run.  It did him little good.  Stephan tackled him faster than the eye could follow, slugging him hard several times.  Blood oozed out of Brayden’s mouth to pool on the ground.

“Give me that information.”

One hand was still wrapped in Brayden’s hair, the other cocked back to strike again.  The lethal glint in Stephan’s dark eyes was as bright as a neon sign.

“I didn’t tell her anything.  I just sent her to James.  That’s all I said.  I swear,” Brayden choked through the blood.

For several seconds the men were frozen in time.  Stephan’s hand moved in slow motion to his foot.  He eased a long, serrated knife out of his boot.  Brayden’s eyes followed every minute movement Stephan made.

“What else?”

Those two words fell like bombs.

“He was taking her to Kris.”

“And?” the knife was now lying against the side of Brayden’s face, a razor thin line of blood welled up beneath it.

“I haven’t heard anything else.  Please, I don’t know anymore.”

“Not smart of you.”

A scream ripped through the still night.

Kris let go of my head just as abruptly as he grabbed me when he’d stormed back into the cave.

“Now do you see why we need to move, and fast.  That happened two days ago.  Stephan knows this place and I’d bet anything he’s on his way here this second.  I’m taking you somewhere we can talk safely.”

I couldn’t get the image of Brayden just laying there on that dirt road, blood streaming from the side of his face, out of my head.  I wasn’t sure if he was alive or dead.  Whispering a silent prayer for him, and for myself, I followed Kris out of the cave.  We made our way through the ancient German forest along trails so faint I wasn’t even sure the game that made them could find them again.  It didn’t seem to slow Kris down, though.

As we hiked, I continued to process what Kris had shown me.  How he could even do that was something I couldn’t begin to fathom.  Then, assuming what I saw was real, I started to wonder what the hell I’d gotten myself into.


  1. I had a hard time with the transition out of the vision, but that said, the scene above the break was very vivid, and you certainly push the narrative forward here!

    1. That transition was the part I was worried about. I'll have to contemplate how to smooth out that transition a little more...

  2. Enjoyed this line, "venom and disdain dripped from every word of Stephan’s answer."
    I thought there was a lot of drama and interest in this short piece. Well done.

    1. Thanks. I wanted to show how he felt without being cliche about it. I'm glad it seemed to work.

  3. I amnot familiar with Emmas story, I need to go back and read that. I think you did a nice job!

  4. Crumpling like a tin can- genius!

    I think the action is well paced. re: "Brayden inched back from Stephan. Quicker than a lightning flash, he turned to run. It did him little good. Stephan tackled him faster than the eye could follow, slugging him hard several times. Blood oozed out of Brayden’s mouth to pool on the ground."

    -there's some good analogies here, but I think a conservative approach with the "speed" would serve the scene better. Quicker than a lightning flash in this sentence refers to the turn and not the run. The "faster than the eye could follow" almost breaks the fourth wall.

    The break was a good way to show that a transition was taking place. I think also the "vision" could be in italics, and that would help.

    Love where you took this. The foreshadowing certainly sets the stage for a helluva suspenseful ride. Well done!

    1. Thanks! I'm not sure myself where this is going. I think it'll be interesting to see, though. I will look at tweaking some of those phrases.

  5. I really enjoyed the tension you built in that first scene. I think you could have easily stopped the piece at the transition. We don't need that extra bit to enjoy the first part :)

    1. Thank you. I was concerned that the first part might not fit quite right with the rest of the story without doing something. I'll certainly have to go back and look at how that flows again.

  6. That was a bit scary and tense. The sudden transition confused me a little, but once I figured it out, I enjoyed it as a whole.

  7. Strong action scene! I highly enjoyed. I, too, jumped a little at the transition... but it also served to highlight the dramatic end-of-life scene that just played out. So I think its author's choice there!

    -Barbara @ de rebus

  8. I agree with the transition situation, but have to say the first scene was vivid in detail. The dripping venom, the menace, the danger. It was fantastic!