Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Write On Edge: Location, Location, Location

Here's what Write On Edge had for us this week:

The prompt for this week is to use setting to deepen the development of your story. You can use it to give insight into a character or a conflict or simply to evoke an emotional mood from your reader.

You have 250 words, so make them count!


Once again, I went back to visit Shawn's world.  If I can get my act together enough I am going to write his story for Camp NaNoWriMo this year.  I'll let ya'll know how it goes.  But, in the mean time, here's another glimpse into Shawn and his life.


Shawn caressed the worn, tattered photograph.  That it was paper and not electronic was almost unheard of anymore.  But it was the image that captured his mind.  He closed his eyes and sighed.

He could hear the inexorable wooshing against the slate grey rocks.  He always believed it was her heartbeat – steady, soothing.  Small pebbles like drops of blood dotted the shore.  He loved the occasional discovery of those semi-precious gems, even though it’d been years since he’d been there.  Shawn could smell the dampness, feel the crisp air against his skin, even though he was currently on a different planet.  He remembered the icy bite against his skin when he waded in despite the heat in the air.  It was a beautiful greenish blue.  Not the turquoise of the tropics, but darker, more fitting with the woodlands of the north.

Staring at the photo, he remembered how deceptive that serene calm was.  She’d get angry in winter.  That gentle, steady heartbeat became ferocious, beating against the immovable shore.  The greenish blue transformed into a turbulent grey mimicking the storm clouds above.  She was lethal at those times.  Many an old sailing ship went down on her, all hands on deck, when her mood went that way.

Shawn tucked the old photo back into an inner pocket.  There was no use daydreaming about a place he’d never see again, a time he’d never get back.  He stood up, shouldered his pack, and slung his rifle.  It was time to go.

13 comments:

  1. I'm shivering with his cold memory.

    The last paragraph is great because you punctuate the remembrance with how over it is in his heart.

    well done

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    1. He'd like to think that! I'm still exploring that part but there's more to it than he's letting on here. Thanks for the feedback!

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  2. This scene is very vivid. Great job and you really stuck to the challenge (me not so much!) I really like this image:" Not the turquoise of the tropics, but darker, more fitting with the woodlands of the north."

    The only section I have an issue with is this paragraph: "Shawn caressed the worn, tattered photograph. That it was paper and not electronic was almost unheard of anymore. But it was the image that captured his mind. He closed his eyes and sighed."

    I feel like the two first sentences could be combined effectively into one. I would also say it "was the image that captured his mind not the medium" or something like that.

    Good job.

    Erica

    www.writereadrepeat.com

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    1. Good suggestions. I will have to look at that.

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  3. All that from a photograph!! What beautiful and evoking imagery. I love the contrast you present in the middle tooo. It really brings it all home.

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    1. Thank you. I wanted his memory to be more than just the peaceful, serene part and show that he loved both the gentle and the temperamental sides of the water.

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  4. This was emotive.

    My concrit has more to do with the structuring of sentences in the second paragraph. "even though" was used twice and while there's nothing technically wrong with that, shaking up your phrasing could lend another layer of magic to the memory.

    I love that the photograph sparked such a vivid experience that is made painful by the very idea that it was lost to him forever. Very, very well done!

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    1. Shoot. I'd noticed the repetativeness of some of my phrasing and thought I'd caught it all going over this piece. Thanks for the feedback.

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  5. I like his description of the water as a woman, a lover. Every soldier carries an image of a loved one, I am sure. Beautiful!

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    1. Thank you. I wanted to tie in the ancient maritime tradition of referring to ships and waters as being feminine with his current military like occupation. And this particular image is certainly special to him for reasons I am still exploring.

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  6. This is really powerful, the image of the water being both beautiful and ferocious. I live in Michigan, and one summer my friends were supposed to get married on a bluff overlooking Lake Michigan. They had to move the ceremony indoors because the water and air were just too turbulent. Your description of the winter anger took me right back to that moment.

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    1. I was actually remembering a recent trip to Lake Superior when this scene popped into my mind. I'm not as familiar with Lake Michigan but can imagine she's not that different from her northern sister. Thanks for stopping by!

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  7. This is what writing is all about!

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