Friday, July 13, 2012

Forbidden

This week we were to write about taboos and the forbidden in 450 words for Write on Edge.  This scene popped into my mind after several of the other posts from Write on Edge.  It is very loosely based on a real life experience turned very fictionalized.  Please enjoy!



Her heart fluttered in her chest like a caged animal trying to break free.  Glancing down at her hands they reminded her of aspen leaves trembling in the slightest breeze.  She forced herself to look back up at her reflection, eyes wide.

The lavender fabric draped over her taut, curvaceous body.  Two thin ties held it closed just above her runaway heart.  It draped open below those tiny ties, exposing her flat stomach and long, lean legs, to brush her knees.  A tiny triangle scrap covered that point where her legs met her rounded hips.

She supposed the image staring back at her was attractive enough.  But it wasn’t her judgment that everything hinged on right now.  That decision lay just beyond the heavy oak door.  The handle drew her attention away from the mirror.  The brushed silver was cold, sterile.  So different from what she’d imagined this moment would be.

And the fantasy would be a reality.  All she had to do was twist that handle, cross that threshhold and take it.

So why did her perfectly pedicured feet refuse to move?  Why did the nerves close her throat better than any fist ever could?

With just one look, just a few words, every dream she had would become a glass house in an earthquake, shattering into a million slivers, forever broken.  Those slivers, she knew without a doubt, would dig at her, cut her to ribbons forever.

She had previous experience with that.  She still had the scars as real as that cold marble floor she stood on with nothing but a cheap terrycloth hotel rug to protect her.

Taking a deep, tremulous breath, she held it.  When the pressure was too much, she let it out, slow and even.  Repeating it several more times, she felt calmer.  One more peek in that unfeeling teller of truths showed her cinnamon hair coiled around her smooth shoulders and a face that was more relaxed than before.  There were no more reasons to delay.

Reaching out in slow motion, she opened the door.  Each step was a monumental effort in self control.  She wanted nothing more than to flee and cover herself in the thick hotel robe that hung just behind the door.  Raw determination surged.  She would see this through, regardless of the outcome.

Her heart stopped when she met his grey blue eyes.  He leaned down to kiss her, his lips hovering just above hers.  He was asking for permission in his hesitant touch rather than demanding.  Her heart surged at the desire, love and respect in his actions.  It may have been forbidden for them to be together but in that moment she didn’t care.



Don't forget to stop back sometime later today or tomorrow to check out the Don't Panic Picture Prompt!

24 comments:

  1. Oh nicely done,very tangible.

    A minor concrit: "So why wouldn’t her perfectly pedicured feet refuse to move?" implies that her feet are moving and she doesn't want it to, which I think is the opposite of the tone you're trying to convey.

    And "His touch felt hesitant. He was asking for permission in that touch." Taking two sentences to describe the touch interrupts the urgency. Try something like "His hesitant touch begged for permission."

    Just a thought.

    I love that this was steamy and innocent at the same time. It's a delicate balance to achieve without awkwardness, and I think you nailed it. Well done!

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    1. "So why wouldn’t her perfectly pedicured feet refuse to move?" - Oops! Not what I meant. I guess that's what I get for trying to edit in a hurry this morning.

      I'll take a look at the other one as well - I like your suggestion.

      Thanks for stopping by and glad to hear you enjoyed it!

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  2. I like it, I would have like to heard more on why this meeting was forbidden but you had really nice descriptions :)

    One minor fix though, you have "With just one look, just a few words, every dream she had would become a house glass in an earthquake..." I think you mean a glass house instead of a house glass.

    Don't worry about editing in a hurry :) I never managed to post last week's prompt and spaced doing this week's at all, so you're ahead of me!

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    1. Nuts! Missed another one! Thanks. Like I said - edited in a hurry and that was one sentence I'd redone a few times. Not sure where the scene is going other than it popped into my head from the various WOE posts this week...

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  3. Lovely!
    In the beginning, I was envisioning her in some fantasy setting, perhaps a virgin being presented to the emperor. When I reached the line about the hotel bathmat, it brought me immediately to the real setting.
    A little concrit: threshold, not thresh hold, and glass house or house of glass (not house glass)

    What a sweet, emotional scene!

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  4. I loved this line: Those slivers, she knew without a doubt, would dig at her, cut her to ribbons forever. It's a feeling that I really can relate to, it grounded me in the moment, explaining in a way why she is struggling so hard against her instincts.

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    1. Thank you. It took me a bit to get that line to read right. I'm glad it works.

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  5. Wow! A lot of anxiety in that scene. I didn't. Really understand what was forbidden about the two of them, but you certainly nailed those first time jitters perfectly!

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    1. Thanks! I'm not entirely sure what it is that is forbidden either, other than they weren't suppose to be together. It was one of those scenes I could picture very clearly but without much more of the story than that scene at the moment. I may have to explore that question!

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  6. Nice. I was waiting to see whether she received her validation, or a denial. The tension built by her self conscious appraisal was well done.

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    1. Thanks! I'm glad to hear the build up worked well.

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  7. Isn't it crazy what slips past us in the editing process? :-)

    I love this story. I wanted to yell at her, "Don't do it!" at the end. So, obviously, I was into it.

    The only concrit I have is with this paragraph:

    She had previous experience with that. She still had the scars as real as that cold marble floor she stood on with nothing but a cheap terrycloth hotel rug to protect her.

    It interrupts the flow of the story somewhat. It also implies that her soul has already been ripped to ribbons and diminishes the enormity of what she's about to do. I do like the analogy, though.

    Great job with the prompt.

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    1. I'll take a look at that paragraph. I loved the analogy but maybe it's one that I have to let go of anyways...

      I'm glad the rest worked and I'll have to keep this scene in mind for further exploration since it seems to work well overall.

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  8. Nice job. You created a great visual and emotion.

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    1. Thanks! I'm glad the scene in my head translated well into words here.

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  9. Okay so it wasn't my typing-error-day only! Phew. ;-)
    Nice one wisper.

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    1. Yeah. I love those days when no matter how careful you thought you were, you miss obvious errors. Thanks for stopping by!

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  10. Great story! My heart stopped for her. I think too many young women can connect on some level. Guarding our hearts, preserving our values and morals, and reacting to those darned hormones! The "Older Me" wanted to grab a robe and that girl's arm and high tail it out of there. The "Younger Me" was screaming OMG!
    For this challenge, "Forbidden" definitely translated into relationships and sex. This has to be one of my favorite interpretations.
    Again, great story!

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    1. Wow. I'm flattered you liked it so well. I am certainly going to have to keep this scene in mind to explore further at some point.

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  11. A beautifully crafted story with perfect imagery and perfect words.

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  12. What a sweet story! Would love to read more!

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    1. Thank you! I'm not sure what else there is to this, but since it seems so popular I will have to consider it.

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