Saturday, June 23, 2012

Consequences

I had fun with this week's Write On Edge Prompt.  So, I decided to do another take on it.  As a reminder we had 100 words to change one of the following phrases into active voice:

[he/she/I] was devastated by [...]
[feeling] was experienced by [...]
[person/thing] was possessed by [...]

Here's another 100, well in this case 99, words in Emma's story.  If you've missed it, most of the story can be found under the One Night in Dusseldorf tab up top.  The last 100 words were posted yesterday under No Passive Voices!



Kris turned without a word and led James and me deeper into the woods.  He moved with an incredible grace.  His walk had to have devastated hearts everywhere.  Kris had powerful, wide shoulders as well.  But it was the confidence flowing from every step that kept drawing my attention.  That kind of self assurance was magnetic.

A predator, I thought, That’s what he reminds me of.

Walking behind him, I experienced a déjà vu feeling.  Something attracted me to him and this place.

Little did I know at the time how right I was about Kris and his magnetism.
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10 comments:

  1. Patricia JLJune 23, 2012 at 1:04 PM

    I love how the devastated line turned out!

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    1. dontpanic2011June 23, 2012 at 10:24 PM

      Thanks! I wanted to use that phrase in a a little bit different way from what it seemed liek it should be used. I'm glad to hear it worked.

      Delete
  2. JuliaJune 23, 2012 at 4:26 PM

    Ooh- great job! I must read the rest of it!

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  3. AnonymousJune 25, 2012 at 7:43 PM

    Devastating hearts ... I like it! I got tripped up on the sentence about his shoulders because it almost feels like you're introducing a new character. "X person had this, and Y had that as well." I think you could discard the "as well" and instead describe those shoulders.

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  4. dontpanic2011June 25, 2012 at 9:47 PM

    I struggled with that part a little. I'll have to go back and look at it again.

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  5. barbara @ de rebusJune 26, 2012 at 8:18 AM

    Lovely! Lovely! This creates an excellent little scene: tight and emotive.

    I loved what you were doing with line -
    "His walk had to have devastated hearts everywhere."
    - but it also read a little awkward to my ear: "had to have"...

    Perhaps you could allow one of those terribly "swifty" adverbs to creep in instead:

    "His walk surely devastated hearts everywhere."

    Overall - I loved it! As always. :)

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  6. dontpanic2011June 26, 2012 at 11:02 AM

    I was trying to avoid that pesky adverb thing but I agree - in this instance I think it does work better. Thanks for stopping by!

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  7. Whispering ThoughtsJune 26, 2012 at 12:33 PM

    I am looking forward to be able to read more of it. It is such an interesting write up.

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    Replies
    1. dontpanic2011June 26, 2012 at 7:02 PM

      Thanks! This one comes in bits and pieces but I am having fun writing it.

      Delete

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