Mesara glanced around as they rode into the foothills. She thought Inshaya might suspect something. The rest of them didn’t seem to sense her intention. Certainly not Tyrhan. Mesara felt bad for that. But she knew if she told them what needed to happen, they would never let her do it. And if she didn’t do what she needed to, Amnor would win and the world as they knew it would be forever changed.
The trouble was she didn’t want to finish what had been started anymore than they did. It had taken her all of these long months to come to terms with who she was, what had happened to her, and, most important, her feelings for Tyrhan. But she knew she had no choice. She wouldn’t sacrifice everything and everyone she loved for her own fears and selfishness.
In camp that night, she sat off to the side. One by one Meathar, Tyrhan and the others tried to engage her in their jokes and conversation. But it didn’t feel right. Mesara knew if she started to talk to them, the secret would come out. She couldn’t risk that. So she kept her distance. Laris was her only comfort.
The cat caught her gaze. His strength, encouragement and love flooded through her in wave after wave of images. There was something in his message to her that reassured her more than her other companions could. A sense of peace filled her just before Laris got up and wandered away. Something in what he tried to tell her made her believe everything would be alright in the end. She lay down to sleep, easy for the first time on that long ride north.
Mesara savored that last ride to their goal. Meathar lead the way. She did not doubt he was just as drawn to the end as she was. She was saddened by his confidence in some ways. This ending would destroy it just as much as it would destroy the threat to all of Mharakhan. She hoped her father, Karik and Inshaya would help see her brother through the next few months.
Glancing over at Tyrhan, Mesara knew there was no such hope for the elf. She’d known how he felt about her for quite a while now. And she knew how deep his emotions ran despite what he let show. There would be no such comfort for him. It was that simple fact that she struggled with the most. That one thing was almost enough to convince her to turn her horse south and flee her fate.
Almost.
Intriguing! I kind of want her to flee even though I don't know what she's fleeing from.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I'd love to let her, but then the story doesn't end well at all!
DeleteI would have liked a little more background about her secret. You built up the tension of Mesara holding a secret, and that it was a game changer, but then you left me hanging. Was she not who she said she was? What was the threat?
ReplyDeleteThe cat was a nice touch!
It's actually in a different part of the story that you learn about what her secret is. She is who she said...it has more to do with something she needs to do. I'm hoping to have the story finished soon so I'll have to let ya'll know since I don't know how to explain it succinctly and don't want to ruing the whole story either.
DeleteI could be wrong, but I think I understand what Mesara's secret is. If I'm right, you played it very, very well. If I'm wrong, even better. That would mean a twist I didn't see coming!!
ReplyDeleteThe only concrit I would give is that this sentence struck me as a bit awkward: "The trouble was she didn’t want to finish what had been started anymore than they did."
The meaning is there, but I feel like you were struggling with how you wanted to word it. It may flow better if you take out "The trouble was," and simply leave it at:
"She didn’t want to finish what had been started any more than they did."
Or honestly, it may just be more easily understood if you put a comma after "The trouble was." :)
As always, though, this is intriguing and well-written!
Thanks! I like your suggestion. Like I said, I could picture the scene, I was just struggling to get it out into some semblence of sense. I knew I could count on ya'll to help me fix those spots that weren't working!
DeleteI felt Mesara's tension and her sense that quite possibly she should flee. I wish I was Alissa and I knew what the secret was. Was it who she was? Suspenseful, for sure!
ReplyDeleteNot really who she was - more what she has to do because of who she was. Thanks for stopping by!
DeleteCerebral scenes are difficult to balance information and feelings. I think you handled it nicely, especially knowing that this is part of a larger project. I think when you flesh this out, I as a reader would like to see more of the camp. If she's sitting away from the fire, it should be chilly. The smell of the food cooking over the spit. Or if they have to run a cold camp because they're being pursued and don't want to leave evidence of a fire. These sorts of details will really place the characters in the setting.
ReplyDeleteMy concrit is that it sounds like she knows what the goal is. Since we are in her concerns, her thoughts, and her emotions, you've cut us out of the one key factor that would help us truly understand what's at stake. If we're in her head, then we should also know where her fear comes from.
Of course, that could be just because I want to know... :)
Yeah. I agree. The scene needs fleshing out more somehow. The toughest part was trying to balance how much to show of her thoughts and feelings in the scene knowing what else has been revealed earlier in the story and what needs to be a secret yet to keep from ruining the end. I'll have to see where this goes to know just how much more, if any, to reveal in this scene.
DeleteI agree with Annabelle - Intriguing! Truly a suspenseful excerpt from your piece.
ReplyDeleteA small concrit. . . I think that because you were unsure exactly how you wanted to convey your thoughts some of the sentences may be a little wordy. But, I think it is better to have too many words than not enough to complete a thought. Editing can fix too many words.
Nicely done! And I love the name you chose, Inshaya. It's so beautiful.
I'll go back and look at that. Thanks for the input and thanks for stopping by!
DeleteI liked this piece! Carrying secrets can be like carrying huge burdens, and I think you conveyed that nicely. And I liked this: "And if she didn’t do what she needed to, Amnor would win and the world as they knew it would be forever changed." No pressure, eh?! :) Loved the thoughts in this piece.
ReplyDeleteYeah. To say she's under just a little pressure is the understatement of the millenium! Thanks!
DeleteShel put it nicely. It's hard to balance inner monologue with keeping the character in scene. Her emotional landscape is clear, but I'd love to, like Shel again, see how her environment affects the direction of her thoughts. What she sees in Tyrhan when she looks at him that turns her thoughts in the direction they go, how the camaraderie around the fire makes her feel more isolated.
ReplyDeleteThat may be the issue...not enough context and focused too much on her thoughts. Thanks for the input. I'll remember this when I get to this scene in the story.
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