Sunday, September 30, 2012

The Add On

Trifextra's challenge this week was to take an earlier 33 word Trifextra response and add another 33 words.  Here's my first response:


“Please.  Just one beer,” he begged at the door.
“Nope.  Not allowed,” the bouncer replied.
He rode away, wobbling to and fro.
Front tire turned.
A sudden stop.
Up and over he went.


Here's the additional 33 words:

Upon the curb he sat
World spinning ‘round
Scratching his bleeding head
“What just happened?”
Bleary eyes failed to see
The crimson stream.
Struggled to his feet
Whomp, whomp, whomp
Bumpy ride home.


Any concrit is welcome!

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6 comments:

  1. lumdog2012September 30, 2012 at 4:59 PM

    I think the bumpy ride was the least of his worries. Fun take on the prompt!

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    1. dontpanic2011September 30, 2012 at 11:03 PM

      Yeah, probably. But, considering the state he was in the bumpy ride home was what got his attention. Thanks!

      Delete
  2. JennaSeptember 30, 2012 at 5:28 PM

    Great visuals and use of onomotopoeia!

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    1. dontpanic2011September 30, 2012 at 11:04 PM

      Thanks! I figured it got the point across in only 3 words - better than any description.

      Delete
  3. The Gal HerselfOctober 1, 2012 at 8:15 AM

    Ouch! My head goes thumpthumpthump, but how we hear the blood pounding within our craniums is a very individual thing. You captured an unfortunately familiar moment clearly.

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    Replies
    1. dontpanic2011October 3, 2012 at 9:18 AM

      Thanks! It is a rather unique feeling/sound, isn't it?

      Delete

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