We’re going to keep it short. As difficult as that can be for the more verbose of us, myself included, it makes it far easier to visit the more links and share our thoughts and opinions. So, let’s go for a nice, easy 300 words.
Here's my take on this week's prompt. Now I know it isn't quite what the prompt said, but I wanted to do something a little different. I frequently write from both male and female points of view - but I usually do so from an adult perspective. So I decided that, rather than changing just the gender point of view, I shifted the age as well.
And yes, it will all fit into Shawn's story in the end. I promise.
He looked up when shadows tumbled into the room. The man standing in the front door was huge, like the soldiers on his Saturday morning vids. Eyes wide, he dropped the toy fighters and ran into the back room.
“Mama!”
“What is it, Kier?” she looked up from the washing machine.
“Der’s a soldier man at the door,” he whispered.
The powder scoop slid from her hand, soap falling like snow. Her face paled. Kieran’s eyes widened even more, his lower lip trembling. A single fat tear crept down his cheek.
“Oh! I’m sorry, baby! It’s ok. Mama’s just surprised. Let’s go see who he is,” she gave him a quick hug.
Kieran sniffled and nodded. He was careful to hide behind Mama’s leg as he followed her back out. He watched the soldier and Mama talk, thumb creeping to his mouth, a fierce grip on Mama’s leg. He didn’t understand their words. He saw the soldier was bleeding and Mama sounded angry. Kieran tried to tuck himself even further behind Mama while watching the soldier.
His movement did the unthinkable - the soldier noticed him. His piercing blue eyes struck Kieran. Trembling, he buried his face in Mama’s leg, clutching her with both arms, hoping he couldn’t be seen.
Mama untangled him and gently pushed him forward. Kieran tried to resist, but Mama was insistent. He looked up, pleading with silent eyes.
“It’s ok. He isn’t going to hurt us. His name is Shawn. Can you say hi?”
Hi,” Kieran was almost inaudible.
Shawn crouched down meeting Kieran’s eyes, “Hi, Kieran. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Mama’s hand on his back kept Kieran from fleeing to safety behind her. He tried to hide anyway.
“I’d like to be friends. Will you be friends with me?” Shawn hadn’t moved.
Interesting take on the prompt, I am very curious to know how all these pieces are going to fit together :) Good Luck at camp!
ReplyDeleteTrust me - it all fits together nice and neat, well maybe not neat, but nice at the end.
DeleteGood job! I think the danger in writing kids is oversimplifying them. You did a good job of avoiding that - showing Kieran's emotions and thoughts to be truly complex, but still childlike. I like it!
ReplyDeleteThat was why I wanted to do this particular point of view. Kids are sharper than we tend to give them credit for even though they can't tell us that. I am glad I could get that to show in this piece.
DeleteExcellent take on the prompt!! I really enjoyed how you used the pov of a child to further challenge yourself! I especially liked: "The man standing in the front door was huge, like the soldiers on his Saturday morning vids." - Everyone is huge to a kid! I think this point of view can allow you to look at things we take for granted - big soldiers - form an entirely unique perspective.
ReplyDeleteSome notes:
"The man standing in the front door was huge, like the soldiers on his Saturday morning vids. Eyes wide, he..."
Sounds like this "he" refers to the man and not the child.
"soap falling like snow. "
beautiful!
editorial bits:
"It’s ok[ay]. Mama’s just surprised. Let’s go see who he is[.]” [S]he gave him a quick hug.
"Hi[.]” Kieran was almost inaudible.
Shawn crouched down meeting Kieran’s eyes[.] “Hi, Kieran. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Really great note to end on here. I always admire a man who can talk to children!!
Great read, as always!
Thanks! Editing isn't always my strong suit so I appreciate the feedback on that score.
DeleteGreat job with the prompt and like Julie, said, with Kieran's emotions and thoughts. Looking forward to more!
ReplyDeleteI am going to work on writing a draft of Shawn's entire story for Camp NaNoWriMo this month. I'll be sure to post when it's done and at least fit enough for someone else to read.
DeleteIntriguing story and I felt placed right there with the imagery. More?
ReplyDeleteYep. I am working on more in the form of a longer piece that will tie all of these bits about Shawn together.
DeleteI wanted to know what they were arguing about. And why he was bleeding. Nice things to hook me there.
ReplyDeleteThis may not help much then, but they weren't actually arguing. "Mama" and Shawn have a rather complex relationship that is well beyond Kieran's limited understanding. Thanks for stopping by!
DeleteI liked how Shawn got down on Kiernan's level to speak to him. I didn't get a sense of how old the boy was, but I am intrigues and want to know more.
ReplyDeleteYeah - the pesky word count made it hard. I will have to tweak that a little if I end up using this in the longer work about Shawn. Kieran is about 3-4 years old in this piece. I'll put up a post when the longer work is in shape enough to let others read.
DeleteHmm, Mamma's reaction lead me to believe she was getting "that visit" you know, when the wife or mother of a soldier finds strange men in uniform unannounced on her doorstep. I love that the reaction was intense enough to scare the kid so that no matter how the situation played out, the kid was still scared. Well done!
ReplyDeleteYou know - that take on the soldier at the door never crossed my mind but, yeah, that is almost what it looks like. Shawn and Mama have a rather complicated relationship and Kieran just isn't old enough to understand it. I am glad to hear the emotional intensity I was looking for is coming through in the scene. Thanks!
DeleteMuch like Shel, I thought Mama was going to find bad news waiting on the doorstep. I'm not convinced Shawn is good news, but kids are generally pretty good judges of character and intent, if we allow them to be. I wonder will he befriend Shawn...
ReplyDeleteHis arrival is definitely a mixed tiding. I'm not sure yet how Kieran will react to him after this scene. I hope to get to that part during Camp NaNoWriMo.
Delete