This week, write a fiction or creative non-fiction piece where fate plays a prominent role. You can write from the position of a complete belief or absolute disbelief in the role of fate in our lives or the lives of our characters.
You have 400 words to play with; come back Friday to link-up!
Here's my take on it...
Quicker than a subspace transmission, he pounced. Shawn was a little surprised when his stalker fought back with a substantial amount of skill. However, Shawn had a good six inches in height and reach on his attacker. Plus, Shawn’s training came from Eli and Eli was among the best hand to hand combat practitioners Black Ops had ever produced. As a result, Shawn wasn’t far behind Eli for skill and that was enough to subdue his attacker.
“Who,” Shawn took a deep breath, “are you? What do you want?”
“Let go of me!” a feminine voice demanded in response.
The shock of her voice was enough for Shawn to loosen his pin on her for just a moment. She jerked into a curled position on her left side disrupting his balance. Kicking out she shoved him off of her and leapt to her feet.
“Nice move. Still not gonna get you out of here without answering my questions,” Shawn rolled to his feet in one smooth motion, careful to remain positioned between her and the door.
Snarling, the woman pulled the utility cap and balaclava off. Shawn couldn’t breathe. This was the ultimate sucker punch. It was Dani.
“You weren’t suppose to know I was here.”
“What,” Shawn was still scrambling to pull his thoughts together, “What are you doing here?”
“I was sent to keep a covert eye on you. Make sure you were really going to finish this mission,” Dani stuffed the utility cap in her back pocket and balaclava in a thigh pocket rather viciously.
“Who sent you? Major Wade?”
“No,” she turned to look out the window.
“Then who?”
They stood as if frozen long enough that Shawn was beginning to wonder if Dani was going to answer him.
“General Howard.”
Her reply was so soft he strained to hear her. But the bitterness in her voice was loud and clear, even if the volume wasn’t.
This whole situation just got weirder, Shawn reflected as he processed the new information, As if it wasn’t weird enough. I haven’t seen Dani again since that transport years ago. Now it’s like I can’t get away from her. And she’s working for the man who just recently was trying to torture me to death. What the hell is up with that?
Several commenters have expressed quite a bit of interest in Shawn and his story. His story actually starts back in my first NaNoWriMo piece - Tattoos. You can find it on Smashwords. It does still need a little more editing, which I hope to do after finishing Shawn's story. I'll let ya'll know when Shawn's story goes up there as well.
Thanks for stopping by!
I really enjoyed your description of her maneuver to get away from his grip. You described it well without spending too much time on it or weighing down the piece.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I guess my years of martial arts training paid off there as it is the basic version of a real maneuver to get out of a situation like that.
DeleteGreat scene. It's hard to write a fight scene without it turning into an Asian martial arts film where the story gets lost in the shuffle. I like that it was quick and dirty, like these types of fights generally are.
ReplyDeleteWhen you revisit this piece, look at the structure of the following sentences:
"However, Shawn had a good six inches in height and reach on his attacker. Plus, Shawn’s training came from Eli and Eli was among the best hand to hand combat practitioners Black Ops had ever produced. As a result, Shawn wasn’t far behind Eli for skill and that was enough to subdue his attacker."
Knowing Shawn's background, I think his elite training could probably be assumed or hinted at, and the paragraph condensed.
Also, I'm not sure Shawn would be as cerebral in the end. It seems like he's explaining to the reader why he's there. Try something more driving like: "The jackass that tortured me? Dani's working for him? None of this makes sense."
I love how this story is progressing. Good luck with Camp!
Yeah - even as I was writing it, it didn't flow quite right. But, if I start editing while still writing I'd never get the piece done! Thanks for the concrit. I will make sure to revisit that part when I do go back to edit.
DeleteFantastic piece. Totally agree with Shelton on the ending, but loved the fight scene. You could tell you pulled it from real experience because it wasn't over-choreographed.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I'm glad the fight rings true. The more I think on it, the more I agree that the ending needs work yet as well.
DeleteWow. Exciting piece! I liked the fight, it was certainly more realistic than you see most of the time. I don't think that Shawn would be doing any deep thinking right after a fight, especially when he just had a metaphysical punch in the gut. He would handle the situation and think about it later, based on what I've read so far.
ReplyDeleteYou're right. Shawn is more of a fly by the seat of his pants kind of guy than what this shows. I'll work on that. I'm glad you liked the fight. Thanks for stopping by!
DeleteVery interesting piece even though I am not familiar with the whole piece. Loved it!
ReplyDeleteThanks! I'm glad you stopped by. This is probably not the last bit of Shawn you'll have a chance to read about if you're interested.
DeleteVery nice. Not knowing much about the story, it has some nice suspense that makes me curious.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I'm glad I was able to build that suspense even in this small section. I'm hoping I can keep it going long enough to "win" Camp NaNoWriMo with the longer work this is from.
DeleteThis is such a well-written combat scene. I was engaged by your description of the fight, and thought you wove in dialogue so effectively. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I tend to have a habit of making my dialogue scenes a little too long so I've been working on trying to break them up with some action bits a little more. Glad to hear it's working so far.
DeleteI agree. Well-written combat scene, especially since a girl was kicking his butt!
ReplyDeleteMy favorite sentence was, "But the bitterness in her voice was loud and clear, even if the volume wasn’t."
I liked it because it made me feel her response. Does that make sense?
Great job!
Thanks. I really like writing Dani. She is one tough woman.
Delete